In The Closet?
by uber.katt
Summary: Slash, basically... kinda goes with a story I'm not posting, ignore that. Pretty confusing, since it's only talking, but check it out anyway. Suggestive themes. You guessed that by the title.


**() Ron**

**() Draco**

**() Harry**

"Ouch! Watch it!"

"Wait, you're not Ron, are you?"

"God, no! I'm not that Weasel!"

"Malfoy?"

"Potter?"

"..."

"..."

"..."

"Why would you be pulling Weasley into a broom cupboard?"

"Have you been living under a rock for the past two years?"

"No, I just don't concern myself with blood traitors and half bloods like yourselves."

"You did last year."

"Not anymore."

"..."

"Are you going to answer my question? Or can I leave?"

"You can leave if you want."

"..."

"Did you leave?"

"Yes."

"Why not?"

"I'm curious as to why you would be pulling Weasley into a closet."

"We've been going out for a year and a half."

"Ah."

"And people ogle us if we go anywhere else."

"Right."

"So..."

"So you snog in broom cupboards."

"In _isolated places_."

"Broom cupboards."

"Shut up."

"No."

"Shut up or I'll shut you- Oh, _shit_."

"What?"

"It's just something that happened between me and Ron last year that I _do not_ want to happened between us."

"Look, I'd rather snog a dead toad than snog you."

"You're just a little ray of sunshine, aren't you?"

"Always."

"You know what, I can actually _hear_ you smirking."

"Wow, I'm that good."

"..."

"That came out wrong."

"Yup."

"..."

"Um..."

"Yes?"

"Why are we still here?"

"I don't know. I wonder what snogging a dead toad is like."

"What?"

"Well, since I'd rather snog a dead toad than snog you, I'm wondering what it's like and whether I should change my view before someone forces me to kiss either a dead toad or you."

"There aren't any dead toads around."

"Yes there are."

"Where?"

"There's one talking to me right now."

"You're delusional."

"No, I'm calling you a dead toad."

"I know. And I'm turning your insult back onto you."

"It wasn't very well done, I must say."

"Just because I'm insulting you for a change doesn't mean it's not good."

"Stop being so stroppy, Potter. God, you're like a thirteen year old girl."

"You've been stuck in a cupboard with a thirteen year old girl?"

"Occasionally."

"Pervert."

"I was thirteen at the time!"

"You're still a pervert."

"So are you."

"Your face."

"Your mother."

"Your mother's face."

"_You_."

"That's harsh."

"Why did you sound so wounded when I said, your mo- oh."

"Yup."

"Sorry. Wait, I take that back!"

"Calm down."

"How can I calm down, I'm having a mental relapse here!"

"..."

"Is that your hand on my shoulder?"

"No, it's an Inferi's hand."

"I take it it's your hand then. If you can turn toads into Inferi."

"God, that was below the belt."

"..."

"What?"

"Nothing."

"No, tell me."

"I'm just having horrifying mental images of what's below your belt."

"For God's sake, you are a pervert!"

"Ouch! Don't hit me!"

"You're such a girl."

"Is that a veiled insult concerning my sexuality?"

"OK, one: yuk, two: yuk, and three: no. That is utterly disturbing."

"I mean, are you making fun of me being gay?"

"I know what you meant, I'm saying yuk about the mental images in my head."

"You get mental images... other places?"

"Oh, fuck..."

"Calm down, I'm only joking."

"Why did you just hit yourself on the head?"

"Because I'm being nice to you."

"Oh."

"..."

"What?"

"I'm wondering if they're feeding halucenogenic drugs into this cupboard somehow."

"..."

"The door isn't locked, is it?"

"Yup."

"Oh, bugger off!"

"..."

"_Not_ funny."

"Well, two gay guys in a closet, one of them says bugger off. I think it's mildly funny."

"For the love of god..."

"I hate you. Now I'm thinking about the toad and you."

"Want to find out what one's like, then kill the toad tomorrow?"

"..."

"..."

"Um... I don't know, someone might hear, you know?"

"It's not like we're doing anything but snogging."

"Yeah, but remember you're a pervert."

"So I am."

"Don't take that tone with me, bitch!"

"Excuse me?"

"You're such a diva."

"Poof."

"Look who's talking."

"That comeback's older than my grandfather."

"So's your face- Mmph!"

"Shut it, you're making too much noise. It's a only a snog, for christ's sake."

"But you could have at least warned me."

"Fine, I'm going to snog you until someone lets us out. I'm about to start, so don't make so much bloody noise!"

"But- mmph."

"Mmm."

"Mmm?"

"What is it this time?"

"Just wondering, but do you ever brush your teeth?"

"Shut it and kiss me, you filthy half blood."

"Mmph."

"Don't go in a huff. What did you expect from me?"

"I don't expect anything from you. _Lumos_."

"Damn, you had to spoil the moment."

"What's wrong with you? You look..."

"Dead? Yup, almost."

"What happened?"

"Stop touching my face. It doesn't hurt."

"At least tell me what happened."

"Being gay doesn't go over well with Slytherins. Or my family. Or basically anyone."

"They're so shallow."

"Yeah, but there's not much I can do about it. Girls just freak me out sometimes. At least with another guy you know how they feel."

"..."

"That was not a joke."

"Sorry."

"And you know what they like."

"..."

"Stop it. That wasn't meant to be a joke either."

"I can't help it. You're rather inarticulate when stuck in a cupboard."

"Well, anyone would be. Especially stuck in a cupboard with you."

"I don't know whether to take that as a compliment or an insult."

"Take it as a compliment to your aftershave."

"..."

"Aw, you blush."

"Stop being so condescending."

"Stop being so naive."

"Kiss me."

"Right then."

"_Harry_?"

"Ron!"

"What- How could you!"

"He was probably just fed up with you, Weasley."

"Shut up, you."

"Ron, it's not what it looks like-"

"What is it then?"

"He kissed me!"

"You let him!"

"Damn right he did."

"Shut up!"

"Ow."

"Ron, you just knocked out one of his teeth!"

"..."

"Scratch that, you just knocked him out."

"D'you wanna explain yourself, then?"

"...He was comparing me to a dead toad..."

"Yeah, like that's- what?"

"We were locked in, and at first I thought it was you. Then we got in an argument, and I said shut up or I'll shut you up - stop smirking like that - then he said he'd rather kiss a dead toad than me."

"So you wanted to prove him wrong."

"No, he wanted to see if it was worse or better!"

"He could have asked me."

"...Am I worse or better?"

"Miles better. Now, we should probably get Malfoy to the hospital wing - but then again, he does know the way himself."

"Ron, don't be so heartless. At least wake him up."

"Fine."

"Don't sound so resentful."

"Ennervate."

"Holy shit!"

"Language, Malfoy."

"Sorry... wait, no! Not sorry, not sorry, _not sorry_!"

"Calm down."

"Don't touch me, half blood."

"Watch your mouth!"

"It's a bit difficult actually, considering ribbit."

"Why did you turn him into a toad?"

"First thing I thought of."

"You know... I've never seen an albino toad before."

"Now you have."

"Cool. C'mon, Ron."

"Ribbit."


End file.
